Hello ladies and gentlemen!
Narrowly Escaping Death in the #22 Spot…
Y’know what’s tons of fun? When I review a game for this countdown that I’ve never played. It tends to leave me a lot of room to make bad jokes and be stupid which, as you’ve probably figured out, is what I’m good at. So let’s dive right into this hot mess head-first. Uncharted 2. Why didn’t I play it? Because I never bought a PS3, for starters. I didn’t play the first one either. But if it’s placing this high on the countdown, that’s gotta mean something, right? Obviously I know the name Nathan Drake, (you aren’t allowed to be a gamer and not know who he is), but beyond that, all I know about this game is that it’s a (shudder) third-person shooter. I am not a fan of the third-person shooters. Except Gears of War, because FUCKING CHAINSAW GUN. But, as a general, rule I don’t like them. The aiming mechanics always seem weird. You always seem to wind up slightly off to the left or right while staring at the back of your characters head. Often, I’ll find myself critiquing said characters hair-style for funsies. Also, the cover art for this game looks like a Pitfall homage, which I would be able to get behind if not for the fact that Mr. Drake looks about as excited to be dangling from a cliff by his fingernails as I would be if I were sitting through a 6-hour lecture on tax law. So what’s the curfuffle (…what? Curfuffle is totally a word. Shut up.) about this finger-dangly-third-person–shooter-game-type-thingy all about?
OOOOOOO IT’S PURTY! BUT…
Well, for starters, Uncharted 2 is freaking beautiful. Yes, believe it or not I actually watched gameplay videos for this review. It doesn’t pop like some of the current-gen games, but stacks up ridiculously well for a release from 2009. Sometimes the game looks downright cinematic. There are certainly shades of several other last-gen greats evident in the gameplay; Grand Theft Auto, Gears of War and Assassin’s Creed are all obviously there. And while Uncharted seems to have done a decent enough job making cover mechanics, third-person parkour and an open-world style something that it can call it’s own, I can’t help but wonder; Why am I caring about this? Now, granted, this is with five years of hind-sight and I’m speaking as someone who didn’t play the game, but everything I’ve seen here just looks like stuff that’s already been done, even in 2009. That’s an unfair criticism to level, I’m aware, but I can’t really help it. These kinds of games are a dime a dozen these days. Maybe five years ago this was really something to write home about, but today? Not really. Not when you have Ubisoft, Rockstar, EA, and a bunch of other devs churning out games like this left and right.
I have no idea if that’s actually Latin for “Let the listener beware” and I’m too lazy to look it up. Basically what I want to emphasize is that if you really want the skinny on this game, you should probably find out for yourself and stop listening to me. Still, if you were to ask me at gunpoint whether or not I’d really be interested in playing a game like this one that’s five years old, my answer would be an emphatic no. Everything that Uncharted 2 has to offer in terms of story, graphics, gameplay; it’s stuff you can get in the current-gen with better, uh, everything. But you don’t win literally all the awards and carry an obscene metacritic score without doing something right, so yeah. There’s that. I’ll leave Uncharted 2 with a 4 out of 5. Why? Because I think that’s a fair ranking for a Game of the Year winner and Best Seller that I absolutely couldn’t care any less about playing.