Falling Into The #13 Spot…
Did you know they’re making a Tetris movie? I shit you not. This is a thing that’s happening, because we have displeased the gods and they are smiting us in their righteous fury. I can’t really say I blame them. How the hell you take a reflex-based puzzler and turn it into a feature film… well, you can’t. I feel sorry for whatever wretched cinematic abortion will bear Tetris’s name, because the game deserves better than that. There’s something to be said for a simple concept executed flawlessly, which is basically what Tetris is. I won’t sit here and pretend there’s a whole lot of nuance and depth to be delved into when discussing this game, at least not when it comes to the mechanics. The puzzle pieces drop from the top of the screen, you slot them in, and as you progress through the levels the speed increases. The end. It’s better than it sounds, I swear.
PLAY WHERE YOU PLAY. I DON’T JUDGE.
Where Tetris scores major points, and the reason it’s placing so high on our countdown, is because of it’s extremely broad appeal and for the impact it had on mobile gaming. Tetris is the first game I can remember my dad playing, and he isn’t exactly what you’d call a gamer. It’s also the first game, I’d imagine, that was played almost exclusively by people that were sitting on the toilet. Tetris is the first Great Time Killer, and by that I mean it’s the first game people played where they thought “Eh, I’ve got 15 minutes to kill. Let’s play some fucking Tetris!” Granted 15 minutes is probably a truly epic movement of the bowels, but hey, maybe you had the Jalapeno Cheese Chili Nachos and washed it down with a bottle of scotch. I’m not here to judge. In any case, Tetris is the precursor to pretty much every mobile game on the market today on at least some level. Sure, it saw release on consoles as well, but nobody ever voluntarily played Tetris on the NES. You played it on a Game Boy or you fucked off! If memory serves, that was actually the games slogan.
NO MORE POOP JOKES. I SWEAR.
Ok, I lied. One more poop joke: I think it’s pretty funny that the long, four square piece that everybody was always hoping would drop at exactly the right time looked like a big poop log. Because people were looking for the big poop log to drop while they were dropping a big log of poop. POOP. Sorry, I was on a roll. The best thing I can ultimately say about Tetris is that, regardless of poop, got a whole bunch of people to pick up a video game who’d never played one. That’s a pretty fine accomplishment and something that basically any game would want on its resume. That’s something that Skyrim, Grand Theft Auto, Destiny, Halo or Mass Effect can’t say. Maybe if you could play those games while you poop, we’d be having a different conversation. We’ll leave Tetris on the back of our toilets with a solid, (not loose and watery), 4.5 out 5.