In Honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, that magical time of year where everyone pretends they’re Irish for a day, our own Mr. Booker has compiled (and in some cases personally tested) some video game-based drinking games for you to try out this March 17th. Enjoy!
Alright guys and gals; grab a drink (or three) and enjoy an evening with The Newbiverse. We’ve scoured the internet, brainstormed and did some serious, uh, “testing” to bring you the best of the best in inebriated goodness. Here at The Newbiverse office, we’re big fans of making the winner suffer; you’ll notice that the majority of our rules are geared toward making the best players in to the worst players… Rather quickly. Because, seriously, screw that guy. He shouldn’t be winning, you should! So top off your glass and let’s have some fun. Cheers!
Mario Kart – The Only Way To Drink And Drive!
Alright, so Mario Kart is a kid’s game… Right? Let’s put that to the test, shall we? Obviously we don’t recommend you drink and drive in a real car but when you get behind the wheel in Mario Kart all bets are off.
The Rules for ‘regular gameplay’
- Take a drink anytime you are hit with a blue shell.
- Take a swig anytime Lakitu has to put you back on track.
- If you get hit by a green/red shell or you hit a false item box, take a sip.
- For every banana peel you hit take a swig, two if you’re racing as one of the Kongs.
- If you use lightning or oil you have to chug until ALL other players are normal size or oil free again (feel free to continue your drive if you’re able).
- At the end of the race drinks (shots or swings, your liver) are delved out in order of ranking: 1st gets three, 2nd gets two, 3rd gets one and 4th gets a golden opportunity to be on the podium.
Good ‘ol “Mario Drunk Driving”
- Every person has a beer at the beginning of the race and must finish it by the end of the race… By whatever means. Simple as that.
Editor’s Note: Please note that our own personal testing revealed this game to be crippling to all parties involved, not just the “winner.” Don’t play this game if you have anywhere to be for the following two days.
League of Legends – Rage is better with booze!
So, LoL has become something of a PC gaming phenomenon as you might have heard, and it lends itself well to our purpose here today. We know that this may cause you to be on the receiving end of a verbal beating from your teammates, but don’t worry. They should be just as hammered as you by the end.
The Rules for ‘regular gameplay’
- First blood – First Drink. Take swig of your drink of choice if you get the first kill
- Tower down in your lane: down goes a swig.
- Jungles always takes a swig on a successful gank.
- Your team kills dragon or Baron: whole team takes a swig.
- Team scores an Ace: drink half of what’s left in your glass/bottle.
- Penta or Hexa kill: Finish your drink.
- Anytime you complain about lag, take a shot.
- Anytime you hear someone say “Uninstall” take a shot.
Editor’s Note: Because of the high level of rage that tends to accompany any sort of activity involving LoL, please refrain from playing this game around other humans, as in your drunken fury you will likely be tempted to rush towards the nearest living thing and kill it.
Super Smash Bros – Winner Loses!
How often do you fall off the map while playing any incarnation of Smash Bros? No matter how good you are, eventually everyone gets launched off the map. This is the perfect opportunity to throw a few back.
The Rules for ‘regular gameplay’ (We suggest a 99 life game with frequent Pokéball drops)
- Each time you are thrown from the map the person responsible takes a swig.
- If you are hit by a lame attack (ie: Luigi’s foot shuffle taunt) take a shot.
- You use global effecting item, such as a trophy, Pokéball, or smash ball, take a swig.
- If you get a Goldeen, you have to drink (beer, let’s not get crazy) until it’s off the screen.
- When a player’s name is chanted everyone else must drink in their honor.
- If you are knocked out by someone with over 200% you have to take a shot.
- Drink according to standings: 1st place takes three shots, 2nd place takes two shots, 3rd place takes one shot and 4th place sits back and laughs.
Editor’s Note: This game is designed specifically to kill our illustrious Mr. Gambit, who habitually kicks everyone’s ass in Super Smash Bros. We only recommend playing this game if you are actually playing against him.
Test Drive: Eve of Destruction – “Wait, you’re supposed to hit the other cars… Right?”
Yes, absolutely. How many games are out there where the entire premise is running into things? Not enough. Test Drive EoD might be a bit hard to find but when you do make sure you don’t miss out on all the fun this drinking game has to offer.
The Rules for ‘regular gameplay’
- If someone pulls a successful pit maneuver on you take a swig.
- If you get in a midair collision take a swig.
- When you get totaled take a 10 second pull.
- If you are awarded the “Wall Rider” nickname after the race take two swigs.
- If you are awarded the “Dominator” nickname after the race take a shot.
- If you win the entire ‘Eve’ finish whatever is sitting in front of you.
Editor’s Note: I’ve never even heard of this game and have nothing witty to say. At least I’m honest!
Destiny – Greatness awaits, but probably not tonight.
Destiny is a fun game, and it’s even more fun with friends. But it’s best when you and your friends all have a drink in hand. So let’s put down some rules to ensure tonight each of you become legen…..wait for it…….dary.
Rules for Crucible
- Take a drink when you get a medal.
- Pick up and drink when you pick up Heavy Ammo.
- Drink when you get more than one kill with a super (two if you get a medal for it).
- Drink when you capture a point or relic.
- Big gulp if you win, two if you’re the top player.
Rules for raids
- Drink when you get an item upgrade or exotic.
- If you complain about not getting an upgrade, drink.
- Everyone drinks on a wipe.
- Drink if you’re dead when a stage is completed.
- Finish your drink at the end of the raid.
- The drunkest is always the relic/sword bearer. This person doesn’t drink until the bearer changes.
Editor’s Note: If you are soloing Crota, because apparently that’s totally a thing that you can do, you must drink literally all the alcohol prior to the attempt.
GTA V – Because obviously.
Mayhem is kind of what GTA V is for, and a good drink on your side can always help. But making sure that drink gets knocked back is what we’re here for. We want to help ensure your night out on the town (preferably with friends) ends with the maximum amount of carnage possible.
- Drink for each star you get after the first two.
- If you get your character wasted, you should be to. Drink a big gulp.
- If you get away from the cops with three or more stars, drink.
- If you lose your vehicle (it blows up, or you have to switch to another), drink for its loss.
Heists (for hardcore mode, include the above rules)
- Take a big gulp when you begin a Heist, two if you’re the leader.
- Passing a stage deserves a cheers and sip by all party members. Getting platinum rating gets you a second drink.
- If the leader decides you need to drink, you drink. They’re the leader; they know what they’re doing.
- The driver always drinks before they start driving, because you’re breaking the law.
- The leader finishes their drink if a heist is failed; a captain goes down with his ship.
Editor’s Note: Drinking heavily while playing GTA can cause GTA to start to make sense. This is an illusion. Do not be drawn into this lie, for it is an abyss from which you will never escape.
We’re sure there are other games that drinking games can complement well, but these are the ones we’ve ‘tested’. Results show that doing our ‘Smashed Bros’ game with shots of rum can have bad consequences, but is super effective. Tell us what drinks you’re having, and if you’re playing a game not on our list, send us your set of rules for it, and how well they worked for you. We’d love to give it a try.